Annnnnnnnnnnd I’m Off…

Okay, round what is it now, three? Of online dating has officially come to an abrupt and expected end. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Oh, no, wait a minute I totally know. Because everytime I finish a “round” if you will, of online dating something called “time” goes by. And in this time I make my way around town…I see couples…laughing…holding hands…mugging that old lady behind the liquor store and I just think, togetherness, y’know? Seems nice. And EVERYTIME I walk pass a couple who seemingly are enjoying one another’s company the same lyric from the song “Who Let In the Rain” wisps through my head… “I envy love that’s walking by, out on the street…” Shit. I wanna start dating again.

And I become very romantic about this notion, telling myself, “Liam. Be bold. You only have one life to live. Just go out into the “world” and try and meet that special someone who fulfill you in ways you didn’t even think was possible.” …And then the dating process begins and you’re like…holy mother of god…

First of all, I don’t understand the sect of online daters who are on these sites and yet never have the time to meet. They never have the time. They say on their profile they’re incredibly busy, their schedule is super tight and yet, yup they’re looking for Mr. Please-be-cool-with-never-actually-meeting-me-because-I’m-always-working-on-something-but-will-continue-to-talk-to-you-anyway-and-get-your-hopes-up-that-we-may-someday-meet-but-in-fact-never-will. …Wow…I would not envy learning to spell that last name as a kid…

And here’s the deal, I could totally be the guy that he’s telling this to because he actually just doesn’t want to meet and doesn’t know how to just come right out and say it. I get that. But my feeling is this: if you never are actually able to carve out an hour in your schedule for someone who is obviously in some strange way attracted to you, don’t be a dick. In short.

Also, the “I’m already seeing someone and am just looking for friends” people on dating sites. Get the fuck off this site. It’s for people who are lonely and miserable and trying to find someone. We don’t want to be your friends and no, we’re not happy for you!

It also strikes me as odd that regardless how much you talk to someone online, over the phone, what-have-you, it’s not until you actually MEET them that you find out who they really are. Which of course is such an obvious logic and makes anyone who just comes across this “realization” sound like an idiot, but it is true, regardless. Despite people’s chosen professions, when it comes to profile writing for online dating, everyone’s a great storyteller. They often time, I think, carve out or write the profile of the person they wish they were, not necessarily the person they are. Which is of course disappointing when you go on a date with that person and they turn out to be someone else, making you realize, “Wow. I will never get that hour back.”

Also, if you don’t have a profile picture, don’t bother e-mailing someone. I’m sorry, it’s the year 2010, everyone should have a profile picture.

And to the middle aged, straight, married men who contact me and others (I’m sure) on these sites looking for sex. Don’t bother. Because under neath that ill-suiting goatee and beer gut lies a man who’s harbouring tremendous issues of self-loathing if in their lives, they’ve been unable to accept themselves for who they really are. And I get it, it’s harder for some, for very valid reasons, but here’s the deal. I harbour enough self-loathing and guilt that could be the entire Jewish AND Catholic population to shame. So I don’t need to jump on board your “Intimate Encounters” band wagon.

And guys, priding yourself on qualities like excessive drinking, bitchiness and complete disregard for the human race is not cute. I get that growing up you saw very little representation of gay people and sadly only saw the cliched heterosexual construct of a gay man and have taken on that persona thinking it’s what a gay man should be, but it’s not. Typically, people in general don’t find these qualities endearing. So why then would someone looking to form a relationship with you find them attractive.

And guys. If your idea of a joke is the time you called that woman at the bar a, “fat betch” then you seriously need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, because that is the worst fucking joke OF LIFE!

It is for these reasons…and others that I’ve probably forgotten to mention that I’m off online dating.

Also, I’m done with online dating for profiles like this. Okay, I won’t post his name or picture, but what I’m about to do it copy and paste his profile VERBATIM! I swear I’m not making ANY of it up. Okay, here we go…

First off, I just want to say that if you saw this guy’s profile pictures, he…well…we all remember the show “3rd Rock from the Sun,” right? Well, this dude looks like an alien that’s trying to pass for a human, I’m just sayin’… Oh! And I should say that this kid is seventeen (but apparently will be eighteen in five months)…

Okay, and we begin.

“I am seeking a: Man

For: Dating

Do you drink: Socially

Do you smoke: Often

Profession: None

Smarts: N/A

(And now it starts to get good. Again, verbatim.)

Interests: Not sure. (Really?)

About Me:

Hahaha, Taste Or Music, And Hobbies,

Well Then My Hobbie Is…. I Like To Poke Things With A Stick (:

I Cant Say I Like All Kinds Of Music Most, Techno, RnB.

I Cant Say I Gave Goals, Well I Do But Its 3 Goals But Its Were My Life Takes Me. Withen The Future.

First Date:

First Date Eh,
who Says There my Type. Hahaha That Sounds Means ):

My First Date Would, Obv Be No Perfect, But I Say I Would Like To Do Anything They Like. ( SEX IS OFF LIMITS ) I Like To Get To Know My Man! And See How He Is. And If Im Interested In Another Date. And I Expect Them Be ThemSelfs, Becasue Its How It Should Be. But The Guy Is More Then Welcome To Pick Were To Go! Im Fine With Trying New Things, And Old Things. (:”

Yup. That’s what I’m working with, people.

Officially unattached and uninterested,

Liam

P.S.

Here’s the song I was talking about before:

“Who Let In the Rain” by Cyndi Lauper, which can be found on her “Hat Full of Stars” album.

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